Chained and free: 30th Birthday, Death and Disclosure

by Emiilia - 5/05/2020

Not maybe the best of titles, but I felt I needed to sum the whole month up. My April 2020 was full of different kind of emotions, changing rapidly, but for the most part not irrationally. Many things made me excited and inspired, but huge part of April was spent in quite the opposite atmosphere. My aunt died on my 30th birthday. Coronavirus made me anxious. My two-years-old with her tantrums  and mischiefs made me mad. The big disclosure made me feel free, and all the other things made me feel chained.

So, what was the big disclosure all about? It was at same time the most exciting and scary thing to happen on April. It worked two ways. I told my friends and family about my blog for the first time. (A few of my friends and my husband knew already before.) The other side of the disclosure was that I finally showed my face to my readers. Plus I changed my display name to my real second name, from Emilia to Emiilia. I also started to live publicly in Porvoo (I have lived here 3,5 years). And the one last thing was that I also started to show the face of my older daughter, in addition of showing the face of the baby. The disclosure was a relief in many ways. I can now advertise my blog without needing to worry about someone recognising me behind it.  To hide things started to be more difficult since I started getting products for testing, and spending more and more time on my blog. I have been also very excited of my blog and it is difficult not to tell people of my excitement. And at the same time, it was difficult to get any growth without showing my face. In the world of blogs and bloggers, face is highly important. Readers need a face. They need a human behind the text. Many modern blogs are named after their writers. Those bloggers are their brand, or the image they give of themselves in their blogs, is their brand. Their faces are essential for their brand. Well, I do not necessary want to brand myself, but I do want to continue writing. I love writing. So, I think, I might have to brand myself on some degree.

On April, I made only one collaboration, and it was with a company called JemmaDesign. From JemmaDesign we got lovely pink pants for my two-year-old. Read more here, in Finnish.

Next. This I will explain shortly. I don't want to dwell upon it. My aunt died on my 30th birthday. She was the last one of my five aunts to die. My aunt died out of pneumonia, but not out of the coronavirus. The beginning of the month was actually pretty much a wake-up call - again. Our life is in God's hands. He will take us, at the time He chooses. And He knows the best. To give the control of something so important as life, to Someone else, is terrifying. This is something somewhat difficult to accept, but also a very central part of our existence. Especially, the beginning of April was a lot about death. How would my daughters survive without me? I want to be with them until they are adults. I also had pneumonia as a teenager. Nasty disease. I don't know, if I had survived without antibiotics that time. Many thoughts passing by every day. My aunt is happy, I think. She went to the rest of her family, leaving behind only my father, who is still living. This kind of rather melancholic and also significant thoughts kept me occupied during the first part of April.

Oh, how did I celebrate my 30th birthday? I was at home with my family. Some of my family members called me. I made myself a salty cake, and we ate some ice cream. I thought 30th birthday would be something partied with friends, but because of the corona, I of course could not meet them.

April 2020 cannot be discussed without discussing corona. We all got over-float with corona already. To the end of April some new hope started to waver in my mind. Maybe this is going to pass us. Or then it will hit us twice as hard, and we are all going to die out of it. But does it really even matter?  At some point, it starts to feel like, if this is the quality of our life, dying does not matter. We are not up to that point - not yet, but something to pass my mind anyway. As our boarders to the other parts of Finland opened, so did something in our minds. At this point a poem actually comes to my mind. Since I am not allowed to quote it, maybe you my reader could google: Wislawa Szymborska, Two Monkeys by Brueghel. One of my all-time favorite poems. Something essential in the existence of human kind is our yearning to be free. Funny thing is that I am yearning to be free, even as I actually am free. In Finland, we indeed are free. Still, somehow in my mind I feel chained. Our summer is gone. It feels like it. Well maybe that is why God sent us mild winter, so that we could endure better the chains to come. Funny, indeed, how mind works.

Photos: My younger daughter is eight months old. She keeps falling all the time but still above all loves standing up. 


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